expectations

I can’t help but imagine that my children will have a close relationship throughout their lives, it is what I truly want for them. Of course, I am not close to any of my siblings. I don’t hate them or anything, but they are either crummy people or boring or both. I tell myself that since my children will be excellent people, they should have no problem getting along as adults. I have big plans to keep our family involved in family activities, which will create a strong bond that will endure for a lifetime.

I don’t want to even consider my children drifting apart from each other or the family in general. I know I shouldn’t be worrying about this stuff now, but I do. CONSTANTLY.

I feel so sorry for my mom. How shitty it must be to build a family and watch them drift apart. I almost feel bad enough to reach out to my siblings, almost.

I have so many expectations and dreams for my family. I know the best I should be hoping for is that they all live healthy and happy lives. But I want so much more for them. I worry I am going to smother them and they will run from the house as soon as they can and never look back.

I really should stop worrying about this stuff and focus on the now. Like getting my daughter to stop rolling over while I change her diaper.

Advertisements

stupid hpts

I am not sure if anyone has noticed, but it has been awhile since I have posted. The main reason is that I have been consumed with the question, “Am I pregnant?” for a solid week. If I had written anything it would have been: Am I pregnant? Am I pregnant? Am I pregnant? and so on. It’s all I have been able to think about!

This past Friday, I took the first of several home pregnancy tests. I knew from the directions that the test would only be about 50% accurate, but what if it said positive! It didn’t. Next day the odds went up to about 80%…but still came back negative. Following day, 90% accurate and a negative result…by now I’m crying. “Just come you f***ing period! I know I’m not pregnant!”

I was so disappointed because I could swear I was having pregnancy symptoms, similar to the first time I was pregnant. I knew that pregnancy symptoms were similar to what you feel before you start menstruating…but I had been experiencing them for days, which is very unusual for me.

When I was one day late and still getting negative results I googled “negative pregnancy tests and late period”. I found several articles that made me both hopeful and angry. I actually knew when I had ovulated because I used an ovulation kit, and I had ovulated only nine days before I was supposed to menstruate. I ovulate a little later in my cycle than the average woman does, and this really affects the accuracy of hpts. According to the various articles I read, you shouldn’t bother with an hpt until approximately 12 days after you ovulate.

I had purchased three different brands of home pregnancy tests, and none of them specifically mention that the time when you ovulate in relation to when you menstruate essentially dictates how much hcg is in your urine on the day of your expected period. They did mention that hormone levels vary greatly and that you should wait until you are one day late to test and if you get a negative result wait three days before you test again. I ignored this advice and wasted about forty dollars. This is why I was angry, but hopeful! If I had followed the advice I would have needed only two pregnancy tests to get the answer I was dying to see…

PREGNANT!

How do you know?

I recently heard of two disorders called depersonalization and derealization disorder. A person who suffers from these may at times feel as if they are outside of their body or that they are dreaming. They could feel like this for a few moments, or for weeks at a time.

Upon learning about these disorders I was instantly grateful that I do not have them, but it reminded me of how I often felt as a kid. I used to wonder how I could be sure that my entire life wasn’t a dream (years before The Matrix came out and ions before Inception). I didn’t doubt the reality around me so much as worry that there was no way to prove I wasn’t dreaming…if that makes sense.

I have really conquered this fear. I am much less narcissistic now than when I was a child, and I think that helps. Back then, the world revolved around me. It was as if the world was created for me. By now I have figured out that in the grand scheme of things I am as inconsequential as an ant (outside of my family of course). This world is definitely not something I would have created and it is certainly not here for my benefit, in my world ice cream is the base of the food pyramid.

Still, disorders like depersonalization and schizophrenia make me wonder, “How do I know what is real and what isn’t?” For the first few months after my daughter was born, I would wake up and frantically search for her in my bed. I was convinced that I had fallen asleep before putting her back in her crib and that she was tangled in my bed sheets. I realize that this craziness stemmed from sleep deprivation and intense PANIC that something bad was going to happen to my helpless baby, but it felt so real.

How unsettling and terrifying it is to think that something is real and then learn that you created it in your mind. How do you trust yourself? This is one of the main reasons that I have avoided drugs and alcohol. I want to be in control of myself and my emotions. I want to be certain that the things that are happening around me are real. And I am certain, I am always certain.

But what if I am wrong?

Ladies and Gentlemen Please Take Your Seats…

in Munroe High School’s gymnasium! That’s right faithful readers and play-goers, it’s that time of year again, time for high school spring plays! This week, I had the incredible luck to be assigned Munroe High School who put on a star-studded student written and directed musical, A Lunch Tray Named Stacy. I was riveted by the show, whose plot was unidentifiable mostly due to the fact that the lyrics were not discernible. I cannot say with confidence which young man had the lead, but I can assure you that his voice cracked…every young gentleman’s voice cracked. The young women in the play were incredibly talented as well, most were able to sing on key for a few of the songs!

If I were to offer one bit of constructive criticism, it would be that it ended too soon. Three and a half hours was simply not enough time to absorb the musical’s beautiful message…I simply have no idea what it was. Former high school star and three time Oscar winner Raymond Moody shares my opinion. I had the pleasure of speaking with him after the show, and he told me, “I cannot comprehend what I just saw, but it was simply glorious! I think they could have continued on for several more hours without ever conveying a solitary point!” I asked Mr. Moody how it felt to once again be in a high school gymnasium, “It’s bitter-sweet Scarlett. On the one hand, I couldn’t be more honored to sit upon an icy fold-up chair and breathe in the body odor that simply saturates this building! On the other hand, I just want to be on that stage again! People just aren’t as passionate about blockbuster hits as they are about high school plays, and I miss working under that kind of pressure.” I sympathize with Mr. Moody, as does Agnes Worhart who has won the Best Director Oscar for the past five years. I spoke with Ms. Worhart during intermission and learned her secret desire, “I desperately want to direct high school plays! I know these days the students handle most of the directing themselves(and they are remarkable at it!), but even the chance to run lines with them would be a dream come true!” I asked Ms. Worhart if she thinks she really has a chance of making it to the big leagues, and she replied, “I actually have an interview at Ridgeland Junior High next week! I am hoping to put in a few years there and eventually work my way up to HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA TEACHER!” I wished that wonderful lady good luck, because she is going to need it!

In conclusion, dear readers, this critic couldn’t be more pleased with A Lunch Tray Named Stacy! I encourage all of you to attend the final showing next Friday, but I warn you that the feel of those metal chairs, and the smells that waft through that gymnasium, are going to make you long for the good old days!

Scarlett Tulip
Oh, The Irony

death

Before I was a parent, death wasn’t such a scary thing to me.

There were times in my life that death seemed like a painless alternative to living.

Now I’m scared, and I hate it.

What is the point of being terrified of something you can’t avoid and can never truly comprehend? Not only do I not want to die, but I don’t want to age anymore either. I don’t want my kid to age or my husband. I just want to freeze this moment in my life because it is perfect and I never want it to end.

My child loves me now, can’t get enough of me. I don’t want to see a day when she hates me, or just can’t be bothered with me. My husband loves me too, and we have so much fun together. I don’t want to watch us become crippled with age and lose ourselves to dementia!

I have it so good now, I don’t want it to end!

I know what I am saying is selfish. I am in my prime and I should look forward to the time when my children are in theirs. Do I really want them to remain babies forever? Yes. I do. I am selfish.

So now I am in trouble. I realize I am going to age along with my husband and that I should be grateful of the opportunity because I have heard that it is better than the alternative. But then eventually we all succumb to the alternative and I just don’t want to.

I love my life.

unresolved

For me, getting over someone who I dumped is so much easier than getting over someone who I never even dated.

This makes sense, right? If I dump someone then I am finished with them. Yes we have a four-year long history, but obviously that doesn’t compare with the problems in our relationship which prompted me to end it.

There was this guy that kept me on a string for a couple of years. He had a girlfriend for the bulk of the time that I knew him, and I had a boyfriend. These things did not keep him from flirting with me and eventually I reciprocated. I should also point out that he flirted with other people as well, but I did not.

This man was my coworker, and I became so enamored of him that I started to show up at work on my days off if he was there. On one occasion I left my house during a fight with my boyfriend and drove to work to see him. Eventually he became one of my prime motivators for dumping my boyfriend. Well, I shouldn’t say that…

I found that even when I was with my boyfriend I was daydreaming about this other guy. I knew that was screwed up and I decided I should break up with him. We also had a lot of issues in our relationship, such as he lied to me about several things and did not want me around his family.

Anyways, once I was single I tried pretty hard for maybe a year to get my coworker (who wasn’t single) to date me. I never made any progress. We never so much as made out. For a very short period of time he supposedly broke up with his girlfriend. I asked him out, he said no. Actually, I believe he said something about us not even being friends. I had enough. He ended up getting engaged about two weeks later to his girlfriend.

Within a few months, I had a new boyfriend and we were in love. Everyone at work knew, everyone in my life knew. So one day the guy that I had been infatuated with, my coworker, says to me, “You know you’re still attracted to me.” I don’t remember how I responded but I am pretty sure I rolled my eyes and walked away. He was trying to get my stuck on his string. I knew it, and it grossed me out.

I was, and continue to be, completely over that d-bag. However, our relationship (or whatever it was) haunts me in a way that my relationships with ex-boyfriends do not. Partly because I am ashamed of the way I fawned over him for years. But there is another reason…

I never had a real chance to show him we could be good together. I don’t even think that’s true anymore, he probably would have cheated on me, but I think I regret not getting the chance more than I regret not having him in my life now. I know I do.

Anyway, he was a total dick and I was naive and had just awful self-esteem back then and a shitty boyfriend. I much happier now and I am certainly on no one’s fucking string.

Jealousy

At what point in my life did I realize that other people have things that I want? Self-confidence, coordination, ambition, etc.

When I came to the realization that there are people who are better than me, at oh so many things, part of me gave up. I will never be as smart as them, as well liked, as happy. I am a pessimist from way back.

I no longer feel so hopeless. Experience has taught me that many people are not as well off as the seem, which is very sad. Experience has also taught me that yes many people are better than me at many things, but I can close the gap. At least in some areas.

I am already much happier and mentally and physically healthier than I used to be, just think how much better I can be if I stick around for a few more decades!

“At least I’ve got my health,” that thing that all the old people say, it is so true. Your health and someone who loves you, that’s all you really need.

I think I am going to age well. I am going to be one of those old ladies who sees past all the bull shit and is perfectly happy if she can drink ice tea and has hideous drawings from children to put on her fridge.