death

Before I was a parent, death wasn’t such a scary thing to me.

There were times in my life that death seemed like a painless alternative to living.

Now I’m scared, and I hate it.

What is the point of being terrified of something you can’t avoid and can never truly comprehend? Not only do I not want to die, but I don’t want to age anymore either. I don’t want my kid to age or my husband. I just want to freeze this moment in my life because it is perfect and I never want it to end.

My child loves me now, can’t get enough of me. I don’t want to see a day when she hates me, or just can’t be bothered with me. My husband loves me too, and we have so much fun together. I don’t want to watch us become crippled with age and lose ourselves to dementia!

I have it so good now, I don’t want it to end!

I know what I am saying is selfish. I am in my prime and I should look forward to the time when my children are in theirs. Do I really want them to remain babies forever? Yes. I do. I am selfish.

So now I am in trouble. I realize I am going to age along with my husband and that I should be grateful of the opportunity because I have heard that it is better than the alternative. But then eventually we all succumb to the alternative and I just don’t want to.

I love my life.

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