unresolved

For me, getting over someone who I dumped is so much easier than getting over someone who I never even dated.

This makes sense, right? If I dump someone then I am finished with them. Yes we have a four-year long history, but obviously that doesn’t compare with the problems in our relationship which prompted me to end it.

There was this guy that kept me on a string for a couple of years. He had a girlfriend for the bulk of the time that I knew him, and I had a boyfriend. These things did not keep him from flirting with me and eventually I reciprocated. I should also point out that he flirted with other people as well, but I did not.

This man was my coworker, and I became so enamored of him that I started to show up at work on my days off if he was there. On one occasion I left my house during a fight with my boyfriend and drove to work to see him. Eventually he became one of my prime motivators for dumping my boyfriend. Well, I shouldn’t say that…

I found that even when I was with my boyfriend I was daydreaming about this other guy. I knew that was screwed up and I decided I should break up with him. We also had a lot of issues in our relationship, such as he lied to me about several things and did not want me around his family.

Anyways, once I was single I tried pretty hard for maybe a year to get my coworker (who wasn’t single) to date me. I never made any progress. We never so much as made out. For a very short period of time he supposedly broke up with his girlfriend. I asked him out, he said no. Actually, I believe he said something about us not even being friends. I had enough. He ended up getting engaged about two weeks later to his girlfriend.

Within a few months, I had a new boyfriend and we were in love. Everyone at work knew, everyone in my life knew. So one day the guy that I had been infatuated with, my coworker, says to me, “You know you’re still attracted to me.” I don’t remember how I responded but I am pretty sure I rolled my eyes and walked away. He was trying to get my stuck on his string. I knew it, and it grossed me out.

I was, and continue to be, completely over that d-bag. However, our relationship (or whatever it was) haunts me in a way that my relationships with ex-boyfriends do not. Partly because I am ashamed of the way I fawned over him for years. But there is another reason…

I never had a real chance to show him we could be good together. I don’t even think that’s true anymore, he probably would have cheated on me, but I think I regret not getting the chance more than I regret not having him in my life now. I know I do.

Anyway, he was a total dick and I was naive and had just awful self-esteem back then and a shitty boyfriend. I much happier now and I am certainly on no one’s fucking string.

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